Before we did the shoot, the impending photos made me think about my body, about how my feelings about it have changed over the years, but also how in some ways I’m still stuck with old insecurities. I have a kind of weird scrawny feminine body, which I have never totally loved, but also never aspired to anything different. Over time, I’ve come to accept, and even appreciate it. It’s not like if someone offered me a perfectly toned sexy masculine body tomorrow, I would sign up - in fact, the idea is repulsive, it would be like the bodily equivalent of brain washing. In that sense, I feel suited to my body – and I know that isn’t true for everyone (the most obvious examples that spring to mind are some trans friends). For example, I really like the fact that I have a body type that looks good with more femme clothing, because that gives me more freedom to experiment with gender expression.
When I saw the photos, and discussed them with Anastasia, one unexpected thing was the way that the photos show an intimate moment between us, so in a way they are not just shots of me, they are more like photos of her taking photos of me! It’s not just my
normally private body that is on display, but also an event involving both of us.
I also didn’t know in advance how I would react to a glaringly honest portrayal of my body, which I can normally decorate with clothing. Would this be like reading a brutally honest description of my personality? Would it make me feel hideously unattractive? I
can’t say that when I saw the photos I immediately felt completely comfortable with how I look in all of them. But it was helpful to be confronted by my appearance. It genuinely did challenge me to achieve a new kind of self-acceptance. It also made me realize I had misunderstood what that might involve. It’s weird, I have been naked around other human beings a fair bit in my life, but I clearly didn’t really know what I looked like to them, even though at the time I was able to simply look down at my own body. It’s the fact that you can’t see your own face that makes the difference – the body-face combination is it’s own special thing. And in fact, my face is definitely what is most salient and surprising to me looking at these photos, not the body! (Although, my body does look different from perspectives other than the limited one I normally get from looking out from where my eyes are located. It’s interesting to see that.) It’s the body-face combination that I am forced to try to accept looking at these photos. And of course the face (and the gestures) are the personality projected to the world, so I’m forced to confront and try to accept all of that, not just the chest and stomach and legs that I see every day.
All this means that no-one else can have anything like the experience of these photos that I have, and I can’t fully imagine or comprehend what they look like to other people either. So after all, maybe I’m not really seeing how I look to other people by seeing these photos! It’s strange imagining many people clicking on a link and examining these images of me in a fairly detached way, with no real idea of who I am. I would probably be amused, delighted and horrified by some of the things people are seeing in me. Hey you - I hope I’ve at least been interesting for you to look at!