I use my body to make money. To give people pleasure. To get that cum shot. And kiss them into oblivion. It also holds people in their entirety. Giving them arms to be vulnerable inside of. Validating their bodies, their feelings, and their desires. I use my body to hold space for shame and trauma. Breathing along side you, reminding you that you are alive. I use my body to help you feel sexy, confident, embodied. It holds whatever you throw at it. It gets beat up, worn out, and bruised by everything. I don’t feel anyone holding me like I hold them. Maybe I’m the one who never allows that. Never dropping the shawl of my role. Even in my nakedness.
I found myself in deep thought during this photo shoot. My body curled up, wanting to be inside myself rather than open and expressive. I didn’t know how to be bare without playing a role. I’m still learning how to be authentic, even though I guide people toward themselves. I want to be embodied, like the people I help. I want someone to hold me and tell me it’s ok to be me. I want someone to see me and help me see myself. Maybe that’s why I wanted to do this shoot. I wanted to see myself, as honest as I could be.
What I do know from my work, is that self love is a long fucking journey. We transform every moment into something else. Maybe more beautiful, maybe more rough. Fall in love with how you transform. Let that be your sexiness. See that first, because change is constant. Growing is sexy. Learning new things is sexy. Transformation is sexy. I hope I can see that in myself someday. Like I’ve seen in the people I’ve had the pleasure to touch and love.