Sitting in front of a camera completely nude was something that I’ve never imagined myself doing before. Growing up, like many teenage girls, I’ve struggled with my body imagine. I constantly had to fend off comments about how small my boobs are or how big my butt is, how I’m too skinny or how I’m too fat. When I saw Anastasia’s call for people interested to be photographed, I thought, why not? It’d be interesting to see myself through an unbiased lens, instead of through the internal demonic, judgmental lens that I have had for myself.
Two interesting things happened when Anastasia showed me my pictures. First thing is - I just look any other human being. There wasn’t any prejudice or sexualized thoughts attached to it. No, oh I look too skinny, too fat, too shaggy, and no oh, that looks sexy. Just a girl in her own skin.
The second thing is - I can really tell my emotional state at that moment in time based on my facial expressions and body language. The day of the shoot, I was having a massively stressful workday. Even though I tried to enjoy my conversation with Anastasia and be in the moment, I could not hide my exhaustion and stress on my face. My body language also suggests that I was still trying to hide and protect myself, yet also trying to find a way to become more open. This state of mind is representative of my biggest struggle. I have always had a hard time letting myself be seen, be heard, and be acknowledged. A lot of it had to do with how my father never allowed me the chance to build my confidence and have my voice be heard while growing up. In my adult years, I have to make up for my stunned growth. I started speaking up more, yet sometimes I doubt myself and wonder if I am being too outspoken. I start letting myself stand out more, yet sometimes I wonder if I am being too arrogant. It’s that fine line between letting myself out of my shell, and still wanting to hide in my shell.
It’s very refreshing to see my internal struggle from an external angle. Being able to visualize that helps me become more aware of who I am, and where my state of mind is right now. In a way, I also saw how beautiful I am for being human. I will continue to let myself out of the shell more and more.