I didn’t really know what to expect when I arrived to meet Anastasia. I had visited her photography website, Nothing But Light and skimmed through the albums of people, reading their statements and taking in their images. I remember observing the diversity of body types and identities. I remember the feeling that it was a project I could fit well into.
I knew what I would be doing was very vulnerable. Others would even say “brave”. However, I walked in with a sense of eagerness and excitement, understanding that what I was doing would also give me a sense of empowerment.
I wanted to do this shoot because I want to have a deeper, positive connection with my body as it is, an extension of my identity. Over the last few years, I’ve had a very love/hate relationship with my appearance. Some days I look in the mirror and think, “Wow. I’m beautiful, I’m Black. I should never feel ashamed of how I look.” Then there are plenty of other days where I’ve looked at myself and felt unattractive, undesirable, imperfect. Ultimately, I feel the latter isn’t actually true, but still the thoughts persist.
When I arrived and sat down with Anastasia, we began a conversation about what brought me to NBL and about this internalized nitpicking I do with myself. That is when I began to to deconstruct my thoughts aloud to her:
I live in a society that culturally perpetuates and instills beauty standards that are Euro-centric.
I live in a society that culturally perpetuates and instills that women are to be coveted and objectified.
I live in a society that culturally perpetuates and instills that my demographic is merely a ghetto of broken dreams and despair.
The way I move through the world is heavily dictated by these facts. Since the day I formed consciousness, I have been ingrained with the notion that, as a female-bodied individual, my power is in my sex appeal and my sex appeal is determined by whiteness.
I remember when I was about 5 years old, I watched a movie with Cameron Diaz depicted as the bomb-shell love interest and damsel in distress. There was something about that moment. I was quite an observant child and took notice of the traits that determined her desirability and anyone that looked similar:
red lips
blonde straight hair
thin figure
demure mannerisms
short dress
long eyelashes
wealth
fair skin
light eyes
I began to see a pattern of this ideal repeated in the media I was exposed to and it just clicked: That is what I should look like. That is what I should act like. What I saw in this just seemed to be in direct opposition of anything I knew growing up in the projects of West Oakland. People were poor, Black, impoverished, bold, loud, full-lipped, braided or nappy, unapologetically crass, etc. I was taught by my own community to revere who we were. But, we were not Cameron Diaz.
But, who decided our variation of existence could only live in the margins? Who made whiteness the center of the universe? (Rhetorical questions)
This actually was NOT what I should look or act like. This is what Black women in particular are expected to do if they are to move forward. We are expected to meet unreasonable standards to the detriment of our own identities. This was an epiphany that wouldn’t come into its full fruition until I was in my 20’s. That’s how long it took to establish a desire for pride that was not rooted in the white male gaze or any male for that matter. That’s what this society does to women like me. It convinces us that we should be someone we aren’t. It ingrains in us that we don’t belong. It indoctrinates us with respectability politics that belittle our own way of existence.
The most difficult part is unlearning these lies after years of deceit. How does a Black woman keep a consistent head on her shoulders in a society that is constantly discarding her? I want to say that I wake up everyday feeling confident in all aspects of myself. I am intelligent, I am creative, I am sincere and compassionate and I make effort to carry myself in a way that is not dictated by my gender or sex. My value is not determined by my looks, but I have pride in my culture, my skin color and my heritage. I deeply believe this. However, this is a constant reminder to myself. There is a lot of discourse within feminist circles about deconstructing toxic patterns that are ingrained in us. I like that it’s part of the conversation, but I would like to see more discourse about how people keep that same energy on a day to day basis, despite conflicting messages from majority culture.
In comes the NBL shoot. I want to be able to look at myself, look at my body in a raw form. I want this to be a reminder of who I am. I want to be face to face with every roll, flap of skin, pudge, freckle, etc. I want people to look at my brown skin, my body and see me for who I am. Not a curated selfie, no angles or tricks. Just me in a room, surrounded by plants, having a conversation with Anastasia, unraveling my inner thoughts, my beliefs, telling parts of my story. This was part of my journey for pride in every sense of who I am.
I am a Black femme from Oakland, living my truth everyday, constantly re-centering myself, perfect and imperfect.
I deserve visibility.