When I saw Anastasia's "Nothing but light" project online, I was struck by the depth of her work, the physical beauty, vulnerabilities, deliberate awkwardness combined with the raw simplicity, grace, and complexity of her subjects... So I proposed to add my highly imperfect self, 72 years of fat, wrinkles, folds and scars that tell my story of a femme butch, hardass yet tender lifelong grassroots worker, socialist, mother, lover, rejecting resignation but embracing acceptance of becoming an Elder, and still defiant. When I was 54, my only child, Idriss Stelley, was killed by SFPD. Until then I had worked as a teacher then in management in Domestic Violence, Harm Reduction, and HIV services. I had worked, played, and love hard... My life came to a halt, bordering madness, seeking refuge in alcohol then attempting suicide... Followed by a long journey of physical, mental, and spiritual healing, that lead to the creation of the Idriss Stelley Foundation. Today, looking at the shots that Anastasia took of me... I am proud of my boldness, laughing at my and reflecting on our previous conversation while Anastasia kept shooting pictures, telling me, laughing: "you keep saying you feel frail and weak... Wait until you see these photos! You are soooo strong ". Yes. My mind remains sharp and edgy, in constant search of new concepts and hidden treasures, of fellow warriors... all my body wants is to slow down... Until the next adventure in this chaotic, terrifying, amazing world we live in.
Last words?
Live & Let Live Love & Let Love.
FTP Our Bodies, tell amazing, heartwrenching, exhilarating, and breathtakingly beautiful stories. Anastasia captures our naked truth and exposes a bit of our souls... There. I release my fat, weathered exterior shape on the trail of Anastasia's world!
When Anastasia invited me for a photoshoot, there was merely mention of a viral epidemic in Asia. Posing and moving around nude sounded a bit presumptuous, frivolous.. but an honor that such creative, talented woman would consider to incorporate me into nothing but light. A "theatre de l'insolite" of sorts, a daring yet gratuitous and oh no... Narcissistic? venture for me... not used to indulge in self-gratifying endeavors... 2 months later, as I review the pictures that Anastasia just sent me, The feelings and thoughts have changed! Amidst the COVID 19 pandemic ravaging the world, seeing my old body alive, become curiously precious. The failing machinery that I curse too often, slowly crushed by diabetes, stenosis. COPD, neuropathy, and a host other crap... Is no longer to be taken for granted. No longer can we make the western world dichotomy between our body, mind, and soul. My nakedness in motion becomes mindful bravado, celebrating and life and defying death until this old fat disabled queer sings! Social isolation and reduced activity have been a progressive part of my senior life, as well as hobbling around naked in my home without any horrified witness... Now children and young adults live to the sound of a much slower drum as seniors do... Physical distancing...Zoom group chats ..online meditation... The pandemic is about to profoundly impact the way we relate to self and others. Who do we love? Who really cares about us? Who do I call or write to today, with intent, whether our contact is the last or long lasting ? The Chinese ideogram that represents "CRISIS" combines the symbols of "DANGER" and "OPPORTUNITY" So I vow today, from now on to appreciate every moment of joy, amazement, discovery, excitement, righteous rage, laughter, that these old eyes, ears, mouth, and skin still gift me. I consciously reject the fear and the fear of the fear. I chose focus and power. I breathe life, color, movement, music, and share it with my buds as often as possible. When I die, tonight, in a week or later, a new cycle begins. My naked body, in a bag or bedsheet, maybe will burn among many others, our mixed ashes return to the earth, while a child first cry fills the heart of his parents with awe, their personal miracle. I will die like I live, trying intensely to do right. Maybe on my next journey, I can watch your back. Maybe I join the great nothingness, and all is well. Thank you, Anastasia, for immortalizing our Naked Truth!